Farts. Yes, I said it....FARTS.

Living with nothing but organisms of the male species in this vast lonesome valley of estrogen I call home, I have come to accept that farts are like treasured precious pearls gathered from the furthest, most remote Tahitian Island.

Farts are funny, it seems. Small ones, big ones, wet ones, long and short ones....they all bring joy to even the smallest male in the house. The Fourthling can barely contain his excitement when he rips a big one.

Now, I like a good long fart just as much as the next fat girl eating at the all you can eat buffet, but only because I feel like I've just lost 10 pounds in relieving my digestive system of such ghastly nuisances.


I don't enjoy doing it.

I don't like the smell.

I just like the after effect. Who doesn't?!

The Halfling, being of sound age and mind, is especially fond of farts. He's 7, all he has are farts to entertain him. If it is not coming out of his ass, it's his fucking mouth. I have to constantly remind him the no one else thinks fart noises are funny. Just him. All by his lonesome. A boy and his farts.

I can hear him in his bed at night giggling and farting his way into a dreamland.

And then there is the digital camera that records 15 second videos. While cleaning out his room, I found it filled with nothing but videos of him making fart noises and laughing. And there were a few videos of real farts and more laughs. And then there was a video of his BFF Kevin farting.

And don't get me started on armpit farts.

This is a current intelligent conversation I had with him:
Me (The Mom): "Oh, Halfling...Did you fart in the car again? It stinks!"
The Halfling: "No, it was The Fourthling!"
Me: "No, that is NOT a Fourthling fart, you did it. Own up to it!"
The Halfling: "I can't help it. I just love farting and I love the smell so much!"
Me: (Rolling Eyes)

Now, don't be disturbed that I know the difference between The Fourthling's farts and The Halfling's farts. It's a Mom thing.

(I think)

(Or at least I tell myself that)

(I might also add here that I have a very sensitive nose)

Besides, I am appalled that my son, the very creature I gave birth to 7 years ago, likes the smell of his farts. Sick.

And before you (general you) get all on your high horse about "potty words". Yes, we use potty words in great abundance in our house. Fart, pee, poopy, stinky face, poopy pants, poo poo face, peepee lover, etc. are all used and well-loved. Go ahead and call DFACS on me. I'm ready. Just make sure you turn yourself in for not having a fucking sense of humor. *Smooches!*

I may never fully understand the male species and thier obsession with the things that exit their asses, mouths, and armpits... but I do know this: farts are not funny, unless they are blog material.

And that is totally different.

Totally.

Oh me oh my.

Has it really been 4 months since I last wrote, my pet? Wow. How the time flies! I know you missed me terribly. I will play catch up in a few, k? I have a million and one things to do before this semester is over.

I will return with a report card with all A's!

Remember: I know Santa. I WILL call him.

I'm going to Nursing School!

And judging by this picture I will be doing lines of cocaine in my sexy nurses cap. She looks torn. Do I snort it? Stick it up my nose? Hmmmm.....Maybe I will stick it up my patient's ass and get a good anal temp? She also looks like she is having a hard time reading the results. Don't burst a blood vessel, honey. Those are NUMBERS. They tell you what the temp IS. Just follow the red LINE.

So, I start on my venture into nursing on August 18th. I have quite a journey ahead of me. You see, when I first went to college I was only concerned with having fun. And, quite frankly, I was damn good at it. I could have given a rat's hairy ass about my school work. When I buckled down and studied, I did exceptionally well. All A's and a few B's. But what is killing my GPA is all my withdrawals. Oh, the big fat W's that haunt my past. W's, WF's. I hate them. I liked to register for classes, then decide later on that I didn't like my schedule. So, I withdrew from THOUSANDS of classes.

So, I have decided to return to school in pursuit of an academic fresh start. That's code for YOU SCREWED UP THE FIRST TIME, HERE'S YOUR LAST CHANCE MORON. DON'T SCREW IT UP AGAIN.

I get it, I get it.

So, I start anew in a few days. 4 years of glorious schooling with people half my age. Well, technically only 2 because I will apply to the school of nursing then. Basically, nursing school is VERY competitive these days. There is a HUGE shortage of nurses, but there is even more of a shortage of PROFESSORS. You can't train new nurses if there are not any teachers.

I read an article last week that last year 61,000 WELL qualified nursing students were turned down to nursing schools nation wide because there are not enough teachers. That's sad, really. And motivating. To get in to the school of my choice, I have to make all A's in my math and sciences. Not that hard right? Nah. Well, I have to admit I am a little bit nervous. I am a smart girl, don't get me wrong....but I have to work at it. It takes hard work for me to make all A's. I am so jealous of the students who barely have to blink to make an A. It's sooooooooo not fair. Of course, growing up my Dad always made me feel better telling me things like...."You will be a better person because you have to WORK for it!" The pep talk worked for a minute, but damn....I would LOVE to be one of the natural students who put in no effort. So sue me!

The idea of making an A without an effort sounds very appealing to me, mainly because I am a professional lazy ass.

Not anymore, my pet. I am a serious ADULT LEARNER/NON-TRADITIONAL student. I have my backpack, my MacBook (thank GOD for student loans!) and 3-Ring notebooks filled with "college" ruled paper.

Watch out world, here I come! And I KNOW how to take MEAN anal temp!